Shalom Taglit,
A few weeks ago I was told by a few people that according to the new rules, I'm eligible to go on Birthright. Only days before my 26th birthday the changes allow a new set of Jewish young adults to experience Israel in a very special way. And yet amidst all the text messages and conversations that followed I continued to ask "but am I really?" Because I'm still not sure, I can only hope.
In 2007 I applied for the winter Birthright trip through my undergraduate institution. I was completely honest on my application and a few days after first starting my application, my account was locked. A quick call to Birthright informed me that my participation on March of the Living a year and a half prior made me ineligible, a new rule they had just implemented for this coming series of trips but hadn't publicized. On March I had spent a week in Israel primarily focused on discussing how the Shoah had resulted in a homeland for the Jewish diaspora. We had just spent a week in Poland and at 18 years young I was overwhelmed and still reeling from the emotional journey. My first memories of Israel are tinged with memories of "Never Again".
In the years since learning that I could not go on Birthright, I watched my friends explore and experience Israel like I've never seen. They told me stories of climbing Masada at dawn and looking out over Syria from the Golan Heights. They told me about waking up in a Bedouin tent and spending the trip getting to know Israelis who had just completed their time in the army. They told me about riding camels and watching their new friends finally become a b'nai mitzvah.
I have been to Israel a few times in my life now since March of the Living, however each trip was geared toward a specific purpose, one which could have been served in any country. And so, since learning about the new rules, I've been thinking about what the purpose of Birthright truly is. It cannot simply be about a free trip to Israel, there is surely more to it. Yet it seems that Jewish young adults who have spent a significant amount of time in Israel prior to college and even Israeli dual-citizens can participate if they have not been on a trip that follows certain parameters. I don't know if the trips I've been on fall into those parameters but I do believe that the original and key purpose of Birthright is to create a particular connection with Israel, one that I do not believe I have.
Those experiences I mentioned earlier that my friends told me about, I have experienced none of them. I read articles occasionally that my friends post on social media about Israel but I analyze them the same way as articles about the political situation in the United States, with a certain amount of disillusionment. I continuously hear twice a year about this connection with Israel that is inherently tied with going on Birthright, a connection that I cannot relate to. As a Jewish young adult I feel more disconnected from Israel in part because I have not been able to join my peers in these conversations about a land that I'm told is my home.
Growing up in an interracial household, I constantly have to explain my Jewish identity. And while I am extremely proud of who I am and where I come from, it makes me wonder where I belong among my fellow Jews. Combined with having never had this experience of Birthright that so many others have had, I continuously struggle with my connection, or lack thereof, to Israel. Is it just another country where many of my friends visit/live or would it be my home should I choose for it to be?
Opening the eligibility requirements to more Jewish young adults provides a beautiful opportunity for many more to connect to Israel in a way that is unique to the Birthright experience. And I hope, humbly, that I might be among them so that I may finally view this country through a new pair of eyes.
Lehitra'ot,
Sarah
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Being Thankful
Over the last few weeks I've felt surrounded by talk about Thanksgivukkah and Black Friday. While this isn't a bad thing, it's left me thinking constantly about what we're supposed to be celebrating as opposed to what we're actually celebrating.
While there are obvious issues with Thanksgiving (i.e. the terrible treatment of the Native Americans), I can appreciate that the modern holiday is supposedly focused around being thankful for everything that we have. It's a chance for everyone to slow down and spend time with loved ones. Then there's Hanukkah, a holiday that I think has meaningful lessons revolving around overcoming against the odds (the Maccabees' success) and making the best of what we have because sometimes it turns out to be enough (the miracle of the oil).
I can get behind these values - but sadly it seems most of this is forgotten or glossed over. Thanksgivukkah has become as commercialized as each separate holiday and we've become so obsessed with the "coolness" factor of this occurrence that we've missed many opportunities for great conversations about what it means for these holidays to coincide.
And of course, Black Friday is an overshadowing cloud. At a time when we talk about being grateful for what we have, many people will be forced to leave their families early to go work so that the rest of us can storm the malls after mapping out everything we need during dinner. I've never been a fan of Black Friday because I generally dislike our consumerist society but in recent years I've become more disgusted by corporations and the lengths they will go to make money. Side note: This is not a holier-than-thou rant, I acknowledge my consumerism and do desire materialistic things but I am not driven by my want of things and I definitely don't view them as needs.
Surprisingly however, it was a random Facebook post that actually led me to decide to go on a Facebook hiatus until 2014. A friend of mine was traveling and visited a national park that I'm sure is filled with natural beauty. The Facebook post said something about enjoying the view and how oddly there was cell service. Look, I understand most people use their phones as cameras now but why why why did noticing cell service mean that a Facebook status had to comment on that? Just because it was there? Who cares? Why not just enjoy the view and not feel like you have to get your online persona to share it with the world?
We, myself included, are behind screens just too damn much. I sit at a computer almost all day just to go home and do the same except this time it's for "pleasure". Now in some regards I don't have a choice. I'm in grad school and by nature that means I'm on my computer reading, researching, writing, etc. But even when I'm not doing those things I feel like I'm constantly tied to a device. I know that not going on Facebook isn't going to necessarily change anything but I expect that it will change me.
I want to live in the moment. I want to be thankful for what I have. I want to remember that sometimes the underdog can come out on top. I want to be happy with what I have and make the most of it. And I want to have and do all of these things without feeling the need to "tell" people about it, without feeling like I've been "heard" because of a red notification flag.
So maybe it's silly but I've been hyper aware of my usage of social media since I became "that person" in both of my jobs. Not only will I start spending more time doing things that serve an actual purpose but it'll get me to think more about what really matters. And at the very least it'll be an experiment in self-discipline.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hanukkah Sameach! Wishing you a happy, healthy, enjoyable holiday. Let's spend it being thankful.
While there are obvious issues with Thanksgiving (i.e. the terrible treatment of the Native Americans), I can appreciate that the modern holiday is supposedly focused around being thankful for everything that we have. It's a chance for everyone to slow down and spend time with loved ones. Then there's Hanukkah, a holiday that I think has meaningful lessons revolving around overcoming against the odds (the Maccabees' success) and making the best of what we have because sometimes it turns out to be enough (the miracle of the oil).
I can get behind these values - but sadly it seems most of this is forgotten or glossed over. Thanksgivukkah has become as commercialized as each separate holiday and we've become so obsessed with the "coolness" factor of this occurrence that we've missed many opportunities for great conversations about what it means for these holidays to coincide.
And of course, Black Friday is an overshadowing cloud. At a time when we talk about being grateful for what we have, many people will be forced to leave their families early to go work so that the rest of us can storm the malls after mapping out everything we need during dinner. I've never been a fan of Black Friday because I generally dislike our consumerist society but in recent years I've become more disgusted by corporations and the lengths they will go to make money. Side note: This is not a holier-than-thou rant, I acknowledge my consumerism and do desire materialistic things but I am not driven by my want of things and I definitely don't view them as needs.
Surprisingly however, it was a random Facebook post that actually led me to decide to go on a Facebook hiatus until 2014. A friend of mine was traveling and visited a national park that I'm sure is filled with natural beauty. The Facebook post said something about enjoying the view and how oddly there was cell service. Look, I understand most people use their phones as cameras now but why why why did noticing cell service mean that a Facebook status had to comment on that? Just because it was there? Who cares? Why not just enjoy the view and not feel like you have to get your online persona to share it with the world?
We, myself included, are behind screens just too damn much. I sit at a computer almost all day just to go home and do the same except this time it's for "pleasure". Now in some regards I don't have a choice. I'm in grad school and by nature that means I'm on my computer reading, researching, writing, etc. But even when I'm not doing those things I feel like I'm constantly tied to a device. I know that not going on Facebook isn't going to necessarily change anything but I expect that it will change me.
I want to live in the moment. I want to be thankful for what I have. I want to remember that sometimes the underdog can come out on top. I want to be happy with what I have and make the most of it. And I want to have and do all of these things without feeling the need to "tell" people about it, without feeling like I've been "heard" because of a red notification flag.
So maybe it's silly but I've been hyper aware of my usage of social media since I became "that person" in both of my jobs. Not only will I start spending more time doing things that serve an actual purpose but it'll get me to think more about what really matters. And at the very least it'll be an experiment in self-discipline.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hanukkah Sameach! Wishing you a happy, healthy, enjoyable holiday. Let's spend it being thankful.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Experiment
Being in graduate school has been fulfilling in ways I can't describe and yet I have felt like I'm missing something. I went from simply working full-time to attending school part-time and working two part-time jobs. Needless to say, I essentially feel like I don't have a life because I'm being pulled in so many different directions and yet I wouldn't have it any other way right now. That being said, I have had to put a limit on activities I previously had time for due to the demands of these many responsibilities I've taken on. And while I occasionally try to make time for other things, I have missed a project I was part of last year.
For a while I was part of a movement called More Love Letters (check it out here). While I enjoyed it for the most part there were certain things I wasn't a huge fan of, and after they made a few changes - combined with how busy I got with grad school and two jobs - I stopped actively participating. Recently I've been feeling that mid-end of semester stress coming on and I've been looking for outlets. I continue to use my typically outlets on and off there is still something missing. I was looking through all the mail that's accumulated at my parents house since the last time I was there yesterday and there is just so much junk. For every piece of personal mail there was at least 10-15 pieces of mail that would've been better off remaining part of a tree. And that's about when I realized what I wanted to do for when I need to break up the endless grind that is grad school: I want to write to people.
Most of my family and friends know that I was born into the wrong generation. I rehabilitated an old turntable and have been slowly accumulating records. I have a phone that is only good for calling and texting (and even mass texting doesn't really work on it). I just bought a women's pocket watch. I like reading and knitting. And I really like handwritten letters. So I'm asking for help with this project because unlike MLL where I would be writing to strangers, I want to write to people that I care about. And while I do think that sometimes we need strangers to help us along our path, I also think that knowing someone and being able to write something for him/her specifically is special in its own way.
Here's how it'll work: If you want some snail mail, I will send you something before my next birthday but I'm not going to tell you when I'm sending it so it'll be somewhat of a surprise. To get a letter, e-mail me with your mailing address using the subject "Letter Experiment". If you don't know my personal e-mail address, be resourceful and find a way to get it from me. You can include if there's anything in particular you think I should know prior to my writing to you but you don't have to. Also since I'm giving myself a deadline, I'm taking requests through Thanksgiving Day, November 28th. I don't expect to have to cap it but should I get more than 20 responses, I'm gonna have to cut it off at that. Actually no, I'll cap it at 26.
I don't know what to expect from this experiment but if I can make even just one person's day between now and my birthday it'll make me really happy.
For a while I was part of a movement called More Love Letters (check it out here). While I enjoyed it for the most part there were certain things I wasn't a huge fan of, and after they made a few changes - combined with how busy I got with grad school and two jobs - I stopped actively participating. Recently I've been feeling that mid-end of semester stress coming on and I've been looking for outlets. I continue to use my typically outlets on and off there is still something missing. I was looking through all the mail that's accumulated at my parents house since the last time I was there yesterday and there is just so much junk. For every piece of personal mail there was at least 10-15 pieces of mail that would've been better off remaining part of a tree. And that's about when I realized what I wanted to do for when I need to break up the endless grind that is grad school: I want to write to people.
Most of my family and friends know that I was born into the wrong generation. I rehabilitated an old turntable and have been slowly accumulating records. I have a phone that is only good for calling and texting (and even mass texting doesn't really work on it). I just bought a women's pocket watch. I like reading and knitting. And I really like handwritten letters. So I'm asking for help with this project because unlike MLL where I would be writing to strangers, I want to write to people that I care about. And while I do think that sometimes we need strangers to help us along our path, I also think that knowing someone and being able to write something for him/her specifically is special in its own way.
Here's how it'll work: If you want some snail mail, I will send you something before my next birthday but I'm not going to tell you when I'm sending it so it'll be somewhat of a surprise. To get a letter, e-mail me with your mailing address using the subject "Letter Experiment". If you don't know my personal e-mail address, be resourceful and find a way to get it from me. You can include if there's anything in particular you think I should know prior to my writing to you but you don't have to. Also since I'm giving myself a deadline, I'm taking requests through Thanksgiving Day, November 28th. I don't expect to have to cap it but should I get more than 20 responses, I'm gonna have to cut it off at that. Actually no, I'll cap it at 26.
I don't know what to expect from this experiment but if I can make even just one person's day between now and my birthday it'll make me really happy.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Judging
I recently said to someone "don't judge me" after I'd sent them something to read. And now that a few days have passed, I've been thinking about why I chose to say that. And it comes down to vulnerability. I was nervous to share it and that's why I reacted with fear of judgment. No one likes to feel like they're being judged, but as that thought crossed my mind another one contradicted it. People who are not confident, people who are unsure of what they're sharing, people who are trying to impress someone, people who are afraid of being vulnerable - these are the people who don't like being judged.
I was comfortable with these thoughts I'd had but sharing them made me vulnerable. And that fear was why I reacted with that phrase. What I meant was, I'm afraid that sharing this with you will permanently alter how you view me and will change our relationship.
The thing is - when it comes to people I care about, I should be comfortable enough with myself and with our friendship not to say that. And if it's someone I don't care about or if it negatively impacts that friendship - well then who cares? I respect my friends and that needs to go both ways which means that my real friends won't judge me. At least they won't judge me in a negative way like what is implied from requesting judgement be withheld.
The world can judge me all it likes. The best people for me will love me because of who I am regardless. While it is hard to be vulnerable and even harder to see friendships change or go, the right people will be a part of my life. The rest I don't need.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
7 minutes
It takes me 7 minutes to walk from my office back to my apartment. It's a nice walk. I pass a reservoir and now that the leaves are changing, it's beautiful to look at along with the reflection of the trees and blue sky dotted with fluffy clouds. Usually I spend these 7 minutes thinking. Sometimes it's just about what a nice day it is or about how miserable the walk will be when there's a ton of snow of the ground and it's below freezing. Sometimes it's about what I'm going to have for dinner or about how much I'd love to just curl up in bed and sleep until morning. Sometimes it's about family and friends I haven't spoken to lately or about people (guys) I've seen or would like to see. But for reasons I can't explain, today was different. And for 7 minutes, I came to realizations that I've struggled with my entire life.
As I began my walk, I thought about a conversation I had earlier today about juju. I don't tend to use this word since my introduction to it was from "Grey's Anatomy" so I have no idea why I chose it but the fact was that it fit what I was trying to say. While debating what other words/phrases I could've used - fate, karma, destiny, meant to be, luck, chance - I had the most intense realization I think I've ever had. It hit me spontaneously and unexpectedly; similarly to what I experienced when I first realized I was "in love" and not just that I loved my then-boyfriend. But this realization had even more of an impact on me because this has been a dilemma I've had for years and something I firmly thought I knew the answer to.
I actually do believe in God.
And writing that, like thinking it, is more surreal than I can begin to explain. It wasn't even like, "I think I might", the thought came to me with clarity and finality. But it's not even this singular thought of realizing that I do believe in God, it's everything that goes along with it that consumed me for 7 minutes. Because up until that thought actually crossed my mind, ever since I became aware of my ability to process my relationship with my religion, I had maintained that I don't know if I believe in God. Or G-D which I think isn't quite the same thing. And by that I meant that I didn't believe we are SIMS and God holds the mouse. And yet I suddenly realized that I do believe in God, a thought that contradicts everything I thought I knew believed.
An elaboration.
I wouldn't say I'm a person of faith. I associate that label with people who can spout verse at the drop of a hat or who blindly follow because it's what they think they're supposed to do. I am neither. I frequently have to Google things that go above my basic Sunday School education and I have tried to learn the reasons behind holidays, traditions, etc. If I don't agree with them, I don't celebrate/follow them. And since my opinion often changes, my relationship with religion has continued to evolve over the last 7 years.
My senior year of college I took an assessment called StrengthsQuest. It essentially tells you things you already know about yourself but in a new kind of language. When I received my top 5 I wasn't surprised per se but hadn't thought those would be my top. I bring up SQ because my second word only after "Input" was "Connectedness". Here's how SQ describes people with this strength: "People who are especially talented in the Connectedness theme have faith in the links between all things. They believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason." And though I hadn't expected it to be in my top 5, I am that person. But still I maintained that I didn't believe in God because to me, this was describing spirituality not religion or God.
And now I return to my initial thought about juju and all of those other words I would've used. Why I chose to use it is less important to me compared to what I concluded in those 7 minutes. If I believe that things somehow happen for a reason, if I believe that we are all connected in some way, isn't that what God is? I had fallen into the trap of so many before me, I was thinking of God like a person because my mind is limited in its understanding of what I've personally experienced. I use all of these words regularly as a substitute without truly thinking about how they are actually one in the same. So why, I asked myself, did it take me so long to figure this out? It's not the first time I've thought about God or religion and yet suddenly I've done a 180 with what I claim to believe. Nothing about me as a person has changed. Where did this realization come from?
I believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that I have experienced struggles because I needed to go in a different and better direction than the one I thought I was heading toward. I believe these things not because of any kind of religion but because while living through these experiences, if I didn't continuously remind myself that there was a purpose, I would've lost hope and allowed myself to be consumed by the darkness. I have seen the worst of humanity and the best of humanity, and if there was no point to either of those then why go through it at all? Would I be better off burying my head in the sand just waiting for something to change?
That's when it hit me. My second epiphany of a 7 minute walk. I believe in God but I don't believe in Prayer. I believe that we're connected and that there is a point and purpose to every life on this big blue marble. I believe that we are here to learn from one another and that we are impacted and have an impact on people we've known all our lives and those we shared only a passing glance with. Now this became a second dilemma because if there was any aspect of my religion that I truly felt connected to, it is prayer. When I do attend services, though less frequently than I'd like, I always leave feeling like I'm walking on air. The music fills me in a way that I can't begin to describe. The connection I feel with my surroundings, both human and natural, is beyond words.
But to me, Prayer is an excuse. Some people will choose simply to pray, to ask for something, to plead with a God that they believe will provide them with what they need. I believe we will receive what we need, but I also believe that we receive what we strive for. Without action, Prayer is useless. Yet so many will turn to Prayer when they believe action is not giving them what they so want. But since when do we actually know what we want, what is actually best for us? The best thing about Prayer is that it forces you to consider what it is that you want - so that you may act on it. For years, whenever something happened in my life, it didn't feel real until I told it to my family and friends. That act of saying out loud what had happened made me aware of the realness of the moment. It forced me to reconcile when things were difficult, and it allowed me to celebrate when things were joyous. But the conventional attitude towards Prayer is not appealing to me. It is unattractive because it has continued to make me view God as a person who controls me. I still love the traditions that go along with praying but I do not believe Prayer changes anything.
So if I reject the concept of Prayer, what is it about the act of praying that is so fulfilling? It can be spiritual sure, which is the only way I've identified with religion up to this point. It provides me with a community when I seek out a place to engage in Prayer. But most importantly to me, it brings me to people who I have commonalities with, people I feel a connection to. And that connection brings me back to SQ and the fact that while I have felt disengaged from the idea of God for decades, the spirituality that I feel when in a community that is praying together, that is what God means to me. It bring us together and whether you call that fate, destiny, chance, karma, luck, or something that's meant to be, I believe in that. And so I must believe in God.
It's been 6 minutes now and I'm turning a corner where I can see the sky. I have a special affinity for the sky, especially since I actively made the choice to make sure I'm always looking up (physically and metaphorically). And this brings me to my final minute of thought, this time about the soul. When I was a kid, I heard a song/story about the soul and it has stuck with me. It essentially says that our souls all come from the same place and when we pass on, it returns to this pool eventually becoming a part of someone else's soul. It also describes the soul as a kind of light that is in all of us, a divine spark that is what makes us unique. When I imagined the soul as light, that made sense to me. It was more than the haunting beauty of this song that I enjoyed, I now realize just how much my love of this song is related to the connectedness I feel and believe in.
Now it's been 7 minutes and I'm at my door but I need one more thought before I walk over the threshold and that the significance of the number of minutes I spent thinking, realizing, reconciling, and connecting. While I'm sure there are other religious numbers that are significant and though I'm sure I don't know all of them, I know that 7 is an important number for many reasons. And doesn't that make this realization even more lovely?
As I began my walk, I thought about a conversation I had earlier today about juju. I don't tend to use this word since my introduction to it was from "Grey's Anatomy" so I have no idea why I chose it but the fact was that it fit what I was trying to say. While debating what other words/phrases I could've used - fate, karma, destiny, meant to be, luck, chance - I had the most intense realization I think I've ever had. It hit me spontaneously and unexpectedly; similarly to what I experienced when I first realized I was "in love" and not just that I loved my then-boyfriend. But this realization had even more of an impact on me because this has been a dilemma I've had for years and something I firmly thought I knew the answer to.
I actually do believe in God.
And writing that, like thinking it, is more surreal than I can begin to explain. It wasn't even like, "I think I might", the thought came to me with clarity and finality. But it's not even this singular thought of realizing that I do believe in God, it's everything that goes along with it that consumed me for 7 minutes. Because up until that thought actually crossed my mind, ever since I became aware of my ability to process my relationship with my religion, I had maintained that I don't know if I believe in God. Or G-D which I think isn't quite the same thing. And by that I meant that I didn't believe we are SIMS and God holds the mouse. And yet I suddenly realized that I do believe in God, a thought that contradicts everything I thought I knew believed.
An elaboration.
I wouldn't say I'm a person of faith. I associate that label with people who can spout verse at the drop of a hat or who blindly follow because it's what they think they're supposed to do. I am neither. I frequently have to Google things that go above my basic Sunday School education and I have tried to learn the reasons behind holidays, traditions, etc. If I don't agree with them, I don't celebrate/follow them. And since my opinion often changes, my relationship with religion has continued to evolve over the last 7 years.
My senior year of college I took an assessment called StrengthsQuest. It essentially tells you things you already know about yourself but in a new kind of language. When I received my top 5 I wasn't surprised per se but hadn't thought those would be my top. I bring up SQ because my second word only after "Input" was "Connectedness". Here's how SQ describes people with this strength: "People who are especially talented in the Connectedness theme have faith in the links between all things. They believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason." And though I hadn't expected it to be in my top 5, I am that person. But still I maintained that I didn't believe in God because to me, this was describing spirituality not religion or God.
And now I return to my initial thought about juju and all of those other words I would've used. Why I chose to use it is less important to me compared to what I concluded in those 7 minutes. If I believe that things somehow happen for a reason, if I believe that we are all connected in some way, isn't that what God is? I had fallen into the trap of so many before me, I was thinking of God like a person because my mind is limited in its understanding of what I've personally experienced. I use all of these words regularly as a substitute without truly thinking about how they are actually one in the same. So why, I asked myself, did it take me so long to figure this out? It's not the first time I've thought about God or religion and yet suddenly I've done a 180 with what I claim to believe. Nothing about me as a person has changed. Where did this realization come from?
I believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that I have experienced struggles because I needed to go in a different and better direction than the one I thought I was heading toward. I believe these things not because of any kind of religion but because while living through these experiences, if I didn't continuously remind myself that there was a purpose, I would've lost hope and allowed myself to be consumed by the darkness. I have seen the worst of humanity and the best of humanity, and if there was no point to either of those then why go through it at all? Would I be better off burying my head in the sand just waiting for something to change?
That's when it hit me. My second epiphany of a 7 minute walk. I believe in God but I don't believe in Prayer. I believe that we're connected and that there is a point and purpose to every life on this big blue marble. I believe that we are here to learn from one another and that we are impacted and have an impact on people we've known all our lives and those we shared only a passing glance with. Now this became a second dilemma because if there was any aspect of my religion that I truly felt connected to, it is prayer. When I do attend services, though less frequently than I'd like, I always leave feeling like I'm walking on air. The music fills me in a way that I can't begin to describe. The connection I feel with my surroundings, both human and natural, is beyond words.
But to me, Prayer is an excuse. Some people will choose simply to pray, to ask for something, to plead with a God that they believe will provide them with what they need. I believe we will receive what we need, but I also believe that we receive what we strive for. Without action, Prayer is useless. Yet so many will turn to Prayer when they believe action is not giving them what they so want. But since when do we actually know what we want, what is actually best for us? The best thing about Prayer is that it forces you to consider what it is that you want - so that you may act on it. For years, whenever something happened in my life, it didn't feel real until I told it to my family and friends. That act of saying out loud what had happened made me aware of the realness of the moment. It forced me to reconcile when things were difficult, and it allowed me to celebrate when things were joyous. But the conventional attitude towards Prayer is not appealing to me. It is unattractive because it has continued to make me view God as a person who controls me. I still love the traditions that go along with praying but I do not believe Prayer changes anything.
So if I reject the concept of Prayer, what is it about the act of praying that is so fulfilling? It can be spiritual sure, which is the only way I've identified with religion up to this point. It provides me with a community when I seek out a place to engage in Prayer. But most importantly to me, it brings me to people who I have commonalities with, people I feel a connection to. And that connection brings me back to SQ and the fact that while I have felt disengaged from the idea of God for decades, the spirituality that I feel when in a community that is praying together, that is what God means to me. It bring us together and whether you call that fate, destiny, chance, karma, luck, or something that's meant to be, I believe in that. And so I must believe in God.
It's been 6 minutes now and I'm turning a corner where I can see the sky. I have a special affinity for the sky, especially since I actively made the choice to make sure I'm always looking up (physically and metaphorically). And this brings me to my final minute of thought, this time about the soul. When I was a kid, I heard a song/story about the soul and it has stuck with me. It essentially says that our souls all come from the same place and when we pass on, it returns to this pool eventually becoming a part of someone else's soul. It also describes the soul as a kind of light that is in all of us, a divine spark that is what makes us unique. When I imagined the soul as light, that made sense to me. It was more than the haunting beauty of this song that I enjoyed, I now realize just how much my love of this song is related to the connectedness I feel and believe in.
Now it's been 7 minutes and I'm at my door but I need one more thought before I walk over the threshold and that the significance of the number of minutes I spent thinking, realizing, reconciling, and connecting. While I'm sure there are other religious numbers that are significant and though I'm sure I don't know all of them, I know that 7 is an important number for many reasons. And doesn't that make this realization even more lovely?
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Self-Validation
I read an article recently about judging yourself and doing what you think will make others like you. This is not by any means a new idea but it liked how it was written and got me thinking. Since humans have found ways of communicating we have sought out validation. This typically comes from those around us: family, friends, coworkers, peers, acquaintances, etc. And that validation is important to us as social animals because we want to know that we have a purpose. Our actions and words are meaning beyond the realm of our personal internal bubble. Being a part of a group and identifying oneself is a sociological phenomenon that I could go into way more detail with but won't. Not because I don't find it fascinating - in fact I originally wanted to study sociology as an undergrad - but because there is almost too much that can be said. I could write an entire thesis let alone a blog post about this subject so for the sake of brevity I'm going to move on.
What I eventually majored in (Media and Communication) was well suited, particularly because of my interest in sociology. I could never imagine myself actually pursuing a professional career in media but the social science of it was perfect for me. And so going back to what I was saying about identifying oneself and being part of a group, this act of validation from others has historically been very important to people. Our census didn't always include so many boxes but as our society has grown and evolved we have added boxes to incorporate those communities that didn't fit into existing definitions. Adding these boxes allowed us to continue to validate how we identify ourselves by feeling like that identity was acknowledged, even by complete strangers.
But the steps we've taken in how we're validating ourselves has changed with the introduction of the internet, new technology, and especially social media. We work on creating a public profile or identity based on how we want people to view us. Only the best of us gets posted online in order to maintain a certain persona. Likes and RTs have become new forms of how we validate ourselves. That's why we share way more than necessary, that's why people are calling our generation the "me" generation. We narcissistic-ly want more little red notifications, little alert notifications pushed to our electronic devices that tells us we are connected. Even though these connections do little to actually connect us to people because until we can validate ourselves, we are just filling the space where our "self-love" should be with surface level connections.
So my challenge to myself and to whoever stumbles across this blog is to figure out what you personally need to self-validate. I do realize the irony of posting a blog about this but the fact is that I'm not writing this for anyone or for anyone to praise me for what I've said. I'm writing this for myself (and if anyone can benefit from it that's just a bonus) because that's part of how I validate myself. Writing my thoughts out helps me figure out what's going on in my brain and this is the easiest place for me to always have access to my thoughts. And I actually don't know why I said that because I feel no need to justify my usage of blogger to keep track of the random thoughts that I have. At the end of the day I know how to validate myself and it doesn't come from a tri-tone, red flag, or anything like that.
What I eventually majored in (Media and Communication) was well suited, particularly because of my interest in sociology. I could never imagine myself actually pursuing a professional career in media but the social science of it was perfect for me. And so going back to what I was saying about identifying oneself and being part of a group, this act of validation from others has historically been very important to people. Our census didn't always include so many boxes but as our society has grown and evolved we have added boxes to incorporate those communities that didn't fit into existing definitions. Adding these boxes allowed us to continue to validate how we identify ourselves by feeling like that identity was acknowledged, even by complete strangers.
But the steps we've taken in how we're validating ourselves has changed with the introduction of the internet, new technology, and especially social media. We work on creating a public profile or identity based on how we want people to view us. Only the best of us gets posted online in order to maintain a certain persona. Likes and RTs have become new forms of how we validate ourselves. That's why we share way more than necessary, that's why people are calling our generation the "me" generation. We narcissistic-ly want more little red notifications, little alert notifications pushed to our electronic devices that tells us we are connected. Even though these connections do little to actually connect us to people because until we can validate ourselves, we are just filling the space where our "self-love" should be with surface level connections.
So my challenge to myself and to whoever stumbles across this blog is to figure out what you personally need to self-validate. I do realize the irony of posting a blog about this but the fact is that I'm not writing this for anyone or for anyone to praise me for what I've said. I'm writing this for myself (and if anyone can benefit from it that's just a bonus) because that's part of how I validate myself. Writing my thoughts out helps me figure out what's going on in my brain and this is the easiest place for me to always have access to my thoughts. And I actually don't know why I said that because I feel no need to justify my usage of blogger to keep track of the random thoughts that I have. At the end of the day I know how to validate myself and it doesn't come from a tri-tone, red flag, or anything like that.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
The Lost Art of the Mixtape
I grew up on the edge of the technology generation. I don't really know what to call us. Are we generation X or generation Y? Or were we whatever generation came before that?
A few weeks ago, I finally fixed my parents old turntable and listened to my first vinyl record in, probably about 15 years. I remember playing with the records when I was a kid so when my sister, who is only 3 years younger than me, asked how I knew where to put the needle so I could play the exact song I wanted, I was shocked.
I remember the sound of dial-up internet and what a big deal it was when my parents got a second line so they could use the phone while we surfed AOL and sent IMs to our friends and robots like SmarterChild. I remember not knowing that there were more than 10ish channels that you could watch on tv because we didn't have cable until I was in my late teens. I remember sitting next to the huge radio system my parents had just waiting until my favorite new song came on so I could hit the record button at the right second, adding to my precious library of songs. Except this library was on a cassette tape. And if side A filled up at the exact moment a song ended, that was worthy of a celebration because who wants to lose half the song while waiting for it to flip to side B?
And so maybe it's because music fills up a huge portion of my memories and maybe it's because I have more memories of what it was like before CDs and iPods, but I used to think that there was nothing more romantic than a mixtape. My friends and I used to make tons of mix CDs before it wasn't standard to include MP3 player hook-ups in cars. And I understand the technicalities of making someone a mixtape now (besides me, does anyone have a stereo that can play cassettes anymore?) but there is something about the art of compiling songs together that went out of style with the advancements of technology.
Everyone now has playlists with an infinite number of songs on them and the "shuffle" option has made it oh so easy for us to not think about what we're listening to. Maybe it's because on vinyl there's no shuffle and only a few songs can fit on one side but there used to be a time, in the era when mixtapes were still common, where we had to put a lot of thought into the order and number of songs we could have. People even bought full albums and discovered that, even if it wasn't a radio hit, there could be some great hidden gems.
A few weeks ago, I finally fixed my parents old turntable and listened to my first vinyl record in, probably about 15 years. I remember playing with the records when I was a kid so when my sister, who is only 3 years younger than me, asked how I knew where to put the needle so I could play the exact song I wanted, I was shocked.
I remember the sound of dial-up internet and what a big deal it was when my parents got a second line so they could use the phone while we surfed AOL and sent IMs to our friends and robots like SmarterChild. I remember not knowing that there were more than 10ish channels that you could watch on tv because we didn't have cable until I was in my late teens. I remember sitting next to the huge radio system my parents had just waiting until my favorite new song came on so I could hit the record button at the right second, adding to my precious library of songs. Except this library was on a cassette tape. And if side A filled up at the exact moment a song ended, that was worthy of a celebration because who wants to lose half the song while waiting for it to flip to side B?
And so maybe it's because music fills up a huge portion of my memories and maybe it's because I have more memories of what it was like before CDs and iPods, but I used to think that there was nothing more romantic than a mixtape. My friends and I used to make tons of mix CDs before it wasn't standard to include MP3 player hook-ups in cars. And I understand the technicalities of making someone a mixtape now (besides me, does anyone have a stereo that can play cassettes anymore?) but there is something about the art of compiling songs together that went out of style with the advancements of technology.
Everyone now has playlists with an infinite number of songs on them and the "shuffle" option has made it oh so easy for us to not think about what we're listening to. Maybe it's because on vinyl there's no shuffle and only a few songs can fit on one side but there used to be a time, in the era when mixtapes were still common, where we had to put a lot of thought into the order and number of songs we could have. People even bought full albums and discovered that, even if it wasn't a radio hit, there could be some great hidden gems.
This is not intended to make it seem like a holier-than-thou speech. I have so many synced Spotify playlists that I go through faster than Apple goes through new products. I'm constantly making new mixes to tailor to my current mood. Heartbroken? Cheerful? Excited? Rockin' out? There's a playlist for that. What I meant when I say down to write this is that we have gotten lazy. We send YouTube links to each other with random songs that may relate to the moment but we have lost the art of creating a collection of songs that ebb and flow while conveying a story. There's a reason why we sing the same songs in a row in religious services and broadway shows - because the music is a journey. But now it's so much more about convenience and having everything at the tips of our fingers. We've gotten lazy and we stopped putting thought into how we express ourselves through music. Even some of what's out there now I can't even understand how people could define that as music.
I wonder if we will ever completely lose the art of mixtapes. Even when they aren't tapes; as it is those have already fallen by the wayside. But for some reason, I am still convinced that mixtapes are a romantic and intimate expression that can't be replicated in playlists or YouTube links. If someone puts thought into creating something like that for you where each song carries purpose and significance, where there is a story being told, I think that person is truly special. In a world that keeps pushing us away from those forms of expression, those who can stand out from the crowd are those who truly affect our lives.
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