Judging

I recently said to someone "don't judge me" after I'd sent them something to read. And now that a few days have passed, I've been thinking about why I chose to say that. And it comes down to vulnerability. I was nervous to share it and that's why I reacted with fear of judgment. No one likes to feel like they're being judged, but as that thought crossed my mind another one contradicted it. People who are not confident, people who are unsure of what they're sharing, people who are trying to impress someone, people who are afraid of being vulnerable - these are the people who don't like being judged.

I was comfortable with these thoughts I'd had but sharing them made me vulnerable. And that fear was why I reacted with that phrase. What I meant was, I'm afraid that sharing this with you will permanently alter how you view me and will change our relationship.

The thing is - when it comes to people I care about, I should be comfortable enough with myself and with our friendship not to say that. And if it's someone I don't care about or if it negatively impacts that friendship - well then who cares? I respect my friends and that needs to go both ways which means that my real friends won't judge me. At least they won't judge me in a negative way like what is implied from requesting judgement be withheld.

The world can judge me all it likes. The best people for me will love me because of who I am regardless. While it is hard to be vulnerable and even harder to see friendships change or go, the right people will be a part of my life. The rest I don't need.

7 minutes

It takes me 7 minutes to walk from my office back to my apartment. It's a nice walk. I pass a reservoir and now that the leaves are changing, it's beautiful to look at along with the reflection of the trees and blue sky dotted with fluffy clouds. Usually I spend these 7 minutes thinking. Sometimes it's just about what a nice day it is or about how miserable the walk will be when there's a ton of snow of the ground and it's below freezing. Sometimes it's about what I'm going to have for dinner or about how much I'd love to just curl up in bed and sleep until morning. Sometimes it's about family and friends I haven't spoken to lately or about people (guys) I've seen or would like to see. But for reasons I can't explain, today was different. And for 7 minutes, I came to realizations that I've struggled with my entire life.

As I began my walk, I thought about a conversation I had earlier today about juju. I don't tend to use this word since my introduction to it was from "Grey's Anatomy" so I have no idea why I chose it but the fact was that it fit what I was trying to say. While debating what other words/phrases I could've used - fate, karma, destiny, meant to be, luck, chance - I had the most intense realization I think I've ever had. It hit me spontaneously and unexpectedly; similarly to what I experienced when I first realized I was "in love" and not just that I loved my then-boyfriend. But this realization had even more of an impact on me because this has been a dilemma I've had for years and something I firmly thought I knew the answer to.

I actually do believe in God.

And writing that, like thinking it, is more surreal than I can begin to explain. It wasn't even like, "I think I might", the thought came to me with clarity and finality. But it's not even this singular thought of realizing that I do believe in God, it's everything that goes along with it that consumed me for 7 minutes. Because up until that thought actually crossed my mind, ever since I became aware of my ability to process my relationship with my religion, I had maintained that I don't know if I believe in God. Or G-D which I think isn't quite the same thing. And by that I meant that I didn't believe we are SIMS and God holds the mouse. And yet I suddenly realized that I do believe in God, a thought that contradicts everything I thought I knew believed.

An elaboration.

I wouldn't say I'm a person of faith. I associate that label with people who can spout verse at the drop of a hat or who blindly follow because it's what they think they're supposed to do. I am neither. I frequently have to Google things that go above my basic Sunday School education and I have tried to learn the reasons behind holidays, traditions, etc. If I don't agree with them, I don't celebrate/follow them. And since my opinion often changes, my relationship with religion has continued to evolve over the last 7 years.

My senior year of college I took an assessment called StrengthsQuest. It essentially tells you things you already know about yourself but in a new kind of language. When I received my top 5 I wasn't surprised per se but hadn't thought those would be my top. I bring up SQ because my second word only after "Input" was "Connectedness". Here's how SQ describes people with this strength: "People who are especially talented in the Connectedness theme have faith in the links between all things. They believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason." And though I hadn't expected it to be in my top 5, I am that person. But still I maintained that I didn't believe in God because to me, this was describing spirituality not religion or God.

And now I return to my initial thought about juju and all of those other words I would've used. Why I chose to use it is less important to me compared to what I concluded in those 7 minutes. If I believe that things somehow happen for a reason, if I believe that we are all connected in some way, isn't that what God is? I had fallen into the trap of so many before me, I was thinking of God like a person because my mind is limited in its understanding of what I've personally experienced. I use all of these words regularly as a substitute without truly thinking about how they are actually one in the same. So why, I asked myself, did it take me so long to figure this out? It's not the first time I've thought about God or religion and yet suddenly I've done a 180 with what I claim to believe. Nothing about me as a person has changed. Where did this realization come from?

I believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that I have experienced struggles because I needed to go in a different and better direction than the one I thought I was heading toward. I believe these things not because of any kind of religion but because while living through these experiences, if I didn't continuously remind myself that there was a purpose, I would've lost hope and allowed myself to be consumed by the darkness. I have seen the worst of humanity and the best of humanity, and if there was no point to either of those then why go through it at all? Would I be better off burying my head in the sand just waiting for something to change?

That's when it hit me. My second epiphany of a 7 minute walk. I believe in God but I don't believe in Prayer. I believe that we're connected and that there is a point and purpose to every life on this big blue marble. I believe that we are here to learn from one another and that we are impacted and have an impact on people we've known all our lives and those we shared only a passing glance with. Now this became a second dilemma because if there was any aspect of my religion that I truly felt connected to, it is prayer. When I do attend services, though less frequently than I'd like, I always leave feeling like I'm walking on air. The music fills me in a way that I can't begin to describe. The connection I feel with my surroundings, both human and natural, is beyond words.

But to me, Prayer is an excuse. Some people will choose simply to pray, to ask for something, to plead with a God that they believe will provide them with what they need. I believe we will receive what we need, but I also believe that we receive what we strive for. Without action, Prayer is useless. Yet so many will turn to Prayer when they believe action is not giving them what they so want. But since when do we actually know what we want, what is actually best for us? The best thing about Prayer is that it forces you to consider what it is that you want - so that you may act on it. For years, whenever something happened in my life, it didn't feel real until I told it to my family and friends. That act of saying out loud what had happened made me aware of the realness of the moment. It forced me to reconcile when things were difficult, and it allowed me to celebrate when things were joyous. But the conventional attitude towards Prayer is not appealing to me. It is unattractive because it has continued to make me view God as a person who controls me. I still love the traditions that go along with praying but I do not believe Prayer changes anything.

So if I reject the concept of Prayer, what is it about the act of praying that is so fulfilling? It can be spiritual sure, which is the only way I've identified with religion up to this point. It provides me with a community when I seek out a place to engage in Prayer. But most importantly to me, it brings me to people who I have commonalities with, people I feel a connection to. And that connection brings me back to SQ and the fact that while I have felt disengaged from the idea of God for decades, the spirituality that I feel when in a community that is praying together, that is what God means to me. It bring us together and whether you call that fate, destiny, chance, karma, luck, or something that's meant to be, I believe in that. And so I must believe in God.

It's been 6 minutes now and I'm turning a corner where I can see the sky. I have a special affinity for the sky, especially since I actively made the choice to make sure I'm always looking up (physically and metaphorically). And this brings me to my final minute of thought, this time about the soul. When I was a kid, I heard a song/story about the soul and it has stuck with me. It essentially says that our souls all come from the same place and when we pass on, it returns to this pool eventually becoming a part of someone else's soul. It also describes the soul as a kind of light that is in all of us, a divine spark that is what makes us unique. When I imagined the soul as light, that made sense to me. It was more than the haunting beauty of this song that I enjoyed, I now realize just how much my love of this song is related to the connectedness I feel and believe in.

Now it's been 7 minutes and I'm at my door but I need one more thought before I walk over the threshold and that the significance of the number of minutes I spent thinking, realizing, reconciling, and connecting. While I'm sure there are other religious numbers that are significant and though I'm sure I don't know all of them, I know that 7 is an important number for many reasons. And doesn't that make this realization even more lovely?