Self-Validation

I read an article recently about judging yourself and doing what you think will make others like you. This is not by any means a new idea but it liked how it was written and got me thinking. Since humans have found ways of communicating we have sought out validation. This typically comes from those around us: family, friends, coworkers, peers, acquaintances, etc. And that validation is important to us as social animals because we want to know that we have a purpose. Our actions and words are meaning beyond the realm of our personal internal bubble. Being a part of a group and identifying oneself is a sociological phenomenon that I could go into way more detail with but won't. Not because I don't find it fascinating - in fact I originally wanted to study sociology as an undergrad - but because there is almost too much that can be said. I could write an entire thesis let alone a blog post about this subject so for the sake of brevity I'm going to move on.

What I eventually majored in (Media and Communication) was well suited, particularly because of my interest in sociology. I could never imagine myself actually pursuing a professional career in media but the social science of it was perfect for me. And so going back to what I was saying about identifying oneself and being part of a group, this act of validation from others has historically been very important to people. Our census didn't always include so many boxes but as our society has grown and evolved we have added boxes to incorporate those communities that didn't fit into existing definitions. Adding these boxes allowed us to continue to validate how we identify ourselves by feeling like that identity was acknowledged, even by complete strangers.

But the steps we've taken in how we're validating ourselves has changed with the introduction of the internet, new technology, and especially social media. We work on creating a public profile or identity based on how we want people to view us. Only the best of us gets posted online in order to maintain a certain persona. Likes and RTs have become new forms of how we validate ourselves. That's why we share way more than necessary, that's why people are calling our generation the "me" generation. We narcissistic-ly want more little red notifications, little alert notifications pushed to our electronic devices that tells us we are connected. Even though these connections do little to actually connect us to people because until we can validate ourselves, we are just filling the space where our "self-love" should be with surface level connections.

So my challenge to myself and to whoever stumbles across this blog is to figure out what you personally need to self-validate. I do realize the irony of posting a blog about this but the fact is that I'm not writing this for anyone or for anyone to praise me for what I've said. I'm writing this for myself (and if anyone can benefit from it that's just a bonus) because that's part of how I validate myself. Writing my thoughts out helps me figure out what's going on in my brain and this is the easiest place for me to always have access to my thoughts. And I actually don't know why I said that because I feel no need to justify my usage of blogger to keep track of the random thoughts that I have. At the end of the day I know how to validate myself and it doesn't come from a tri-tone, red flag, or anything like that.

The Lost Art of the Mixtape

I grew up on the edge of the technology generation. I don't really know what to call us. Are we generation X or generation Y? Or were we whatever generation came before that?

A few weeks ago, I finally fixed my parents old turntable and listened to my first vinyl record in, probably about 15 years. I remember playing with the records when I was a kid so when my sister, who is only 3 years younger than me, asked how I knew where to put the needle so I could play the exact song I wanted, I was shocked.

I remember the sound of dial-up internet and what a big deal it was when my parents got a second line so they could use the phone while we surfed AOL and sent IMs to our friends and robots like SmarterChild. I remember not knowing that there were more than 10ish channels that you could watch on tv because we didn't have cable until I was in my late teens. I remember sitting next to the huge radio system my parents had just waiting until my favorite new song came on so I could hit the record button at the right second, adding to my precious library of songs. Except this library was on a cassette tape. And if side A filled up at the exact moment a song ended, that was worthy of a celebration because who wants to lose half the song while waiting for it to flip to side B?

And so maybe it's because music fills up a huge portion of my memories and maybe it's because I have more memories of what it was like before CDs and iPods, but I used to think that there was nothing more romantic than a mixtape. My friends and I used to make tons of mix CDs before it wasn't standard to include MP3 player hook-ups in cars. And I understand the technicalities of making someone a mixtape now (besides me, does anyone have a stereo that can play cassettes anymore?) but there is something about the art of compiling songs together that went out of style with the advancements of technology.

Everyone now has playlists with an infinite number of songs on them and the "shuffle" option has made it oh so easy for us to not think about what we're listening to. Maybe it's because on vinyl there's no shuffle and only a few songs can fit on one side but there used to be a time, in the era when mixtapes were still common, where we had to put a lot of thought into the order and number of songs we could have. People even bought full albums and discovered that, even if it wasn't a radio hit, there could be some great hidden gems.

This is not intended to make it seem like a holier-than-thou speech. I have so many synced Spotify playlists that I go through faster than Apple goes through new products. I'm constantly making new mixes to tailor to my current mood. Heartbroken? Cheerful? Excited? Rockin' out? There's a playlist for that. What I meant when I say down to write this is that we have gotten lazy. We send YouTube links to each other with random songs that may relate to the moment but we have lost the art of creating a collection of songs that ebb and flow while conveying a story. There's a reason why we sing the same songs in a row in religious services and broadway shows - because the music is a journey. But now it's so much more about convenience and having everything at the tips of our fingers. We've gotten lazy and we stopped putting thought into how we express ourselves through music. Even some of what's out there now I can't even understand how people could define that as music.

I wonder if we will ever completely lose the art of mixtapes. Even when they aren't tapes; as it is those have already fallen by the wayside. But for some reason, I am still convinced that mixtapes are a romantic and intimate expression that can't be replicated in playlists or YouTube links. If someone puts thought into creating something like that for you where each song carries purpose and significance, where there is a story being told, I think that person is truly special. In a world that keeps pushing us away from those forms of expression, those who can stand out from the crowd are those who truly affect our lives.

Semantics

I was always that person who corrected people on their grammar or word choice. It's not something I'm necessarily proud of, it was a compulsion. Half the time, I didn't even realize I was doing it until I started listening to myself more, and by that point it was too late and I'd committed to being "that person" again. If you don't believe me, here's an anecdote: I told my ex-boyfriend - while he was trying to break up with me, no less - that irregardless wasn't a word after he said it as we argued. That definitely couldn't have helped the situation but I promise you, he'll probably never forget that the word is "regardless".

Although most people would say that it's just semantics, from my experiences I've come to the conclusion that semantics are more meaningful than people realize. How many times have we all been misunderstood because we fumbled with semantics while communicating or used a word that actually wasn't the right word for what we were trying to say? It probably comes across as appropriate and perhaps a bit ironic that I was a media and communication major during my undergraduate career, but I chose it for many reasons none of which had to do with how I can be technical about communicating. It is mostly makes sense in hindsight. But one of many reasons why I am particular about semantics is because of the power of words. I don't think humans are so much better than other living creatures but I have an appreciation for what we have been given, namely the ability to communicate with words. An ability that creates such a plethora of emotions that I don't believe there are even words to describe everything that a person can feel.

During college, a friend of mine was going through something and she kept using the word "should". I turned to her and said: "There's a reason why "should" doesn't have an equivalent in most languages; why it's in the past tense. Should is a world of regret. Figure out what you want to do and do it." Now I realize that's not completely accurate, but it stemmed from something my high school french teacher had said, that there was no proper translation for the word "should", and it stuck with me. Although I didn't think much of her comment at the time, it inspired what I told my friend a few years later when we were in college.

"Should" is a funny word. It it most commonly read as "ought to" or "must". It doesn't follow standard grammatical rules. Officially I think the word "shall" is the present tense of the word, but personally I don't think that quite works. Shall is just a present tense verb which can result in action or non-action. My issue with "should" is that there is an implication in the use of the word depending on what action or non-action occurred. If I "should" have done something and didn't, that implies failure on my part. While I could have chosen not to act or I could have tried something different, it carried an implication of being incorrect because I didn't do what I "should" have. I have found that it can be a truly hurtful word due to this connotation of implied negativity. To not do what you "should", is to be wrong. Granted, there are many other words that carry an expectation of acting on something, however I've found that "should" is most often used in a "I should've done this" or "I should've said that" way (Side note: "should of" is not a thing, please for the love of all things holy, stop it). And this is problematic to me because our world isn't black and white, therefore there is no one right thing that "should" be. So when people say that something or someone "should"/"shouldn't", I reject that view. We need to keep moving forward and do what we can with what we have or we will find that we're stuck in the same place.

This parallels with a phrase that my college friends and I have stopped using in the last few years. "It is what it is." I can't say for sure whether I despise this phrase or "should" more, but I think they are both problematic for similar reasons. They take what currently is and negate its significance. If you "should" or "should have" done something, then to do otherwise is not right. If you say "it is what it is" you are accepting something that you are unsatisfied with, you empower that which is not right by allowing it to be. Back in September, I heard a sermon about why we need to stop saying "it is what it is" by replacing it with "it can become what it ought to be". This is something that I can appreciate because it requires both an acceptance of what is while making a conscientious decision to act.

The question I'm left with is how do you take action when your hands are tied and yet you're unwilling to accept that "it is what it is"? I've watched my friends struggle with so many experiences that were completely outside of their ability to enact change (multiple people with visa issues jump to mind here), so if your hands are tied, what can you do? Whatever the opportunity may be, the worst thing we could possibly do is become complacent and say that "it is what it is" or that we "should" or "shouldn't" have done or felt something different. This kind of thinking is so prevalent among our age group and it's one of the many reasons why we've been dubbed lazy and unmotivated. While things may not go the way we expected or hoped, that is generally becoming more of a life trend. Now that we're past the part of our lives that come with a somewhat organized map with a course of action dependent upon our past actions, the "real world" has opened its doors and the openness terrifies us. There are almost too many options that we freeze up and go for the safe option or the easy choice. But that kind of thinking won't get us to where we want to go and neither will "should".

So I return to the end of the phrase I told my friend in college, "Figure out what you want to do and do it." That's not to say it'll be easy. But if we "should" through life, we won't truly be living in the present, we'll continue to experience regret as we keep living in a theoretically parallel universe. It doesn't have to be what it is. It is never too late to change. And no one is going to do it for us, nothing is going to be handed to us. We have to choose to act. Even if we don't end up quite where we expected initially, as long as we look ahead to the destination we desire, in time we will get to where we're supposed to be.

Theme: Freedom and Being Free

We are currently in the midst of Pesach, or Passover, a holiday that has become the 8 day (or for some people only 7 or even 2 day) Thanksgiving equivalent for Jews. There are certainly parallels between these two occasions - families coming together at a huge dinner table where we succumb to eating hefty amounts of culturally significant food. But there's another similarity that - in our increasingly secular world - it seems many are forgetting or worse, bypassing as an opportunity to have a conversation. At the root of both holidays is a word that is highly complex and often used yet not appreciated or considered by those who believe they have it already: Freedom.

It seems to be generally accepted that people have the ability to choose, that free will is a given. I could argue both sides to whether or not we have free will but that's not the point of what I'm trying to say so let's approach this under the guise of free will and choice existing. With this in mind, I ask what kinds of Freedom with a capital F we have. For Americans (which is what I am and therefore the lens I use here), there are five freedoms that we're "guaranteed" under the constitution. Can you name them all? In case you don't, they're freedom of assembly, petition, press, religion, and speech. The thing is, do we really have all of those things? I have read so many stories recently where people are denied these supposed "basic" freedoms, and this is of course not the first time in the history of humanity that freedom has been an issue. We are currently waiting for the decisions on DOMA and Prop 8 some time before the end of June, legislation that has denied many freedoms that their neighbors have.

On a smaller scale, there are other kinds of freedom that I've been considering but they're not the kind of freedom that people generally think about. I think that freedom is more of that overarching, legislatively influenced, societally accepted/expected kind of free, but there's another kind of freedom that we take for ourselves. Because those freedoms I was talking about, those don't give people as much choice. Sometimes our hands are tied and we are unable to just make a choice. We need to act and take that freedom back for ourselves. But I'm referring to when we do have the choice, the option to be free. We can choose to be free rather than slaves. When I finally ended a toxic relationship, I chose to be free of my ex and free of commitment. When I decided that the job I was in was only holding me back and making me miserable, I left it. I realized that I'd become a slave to my relationship, a slave to an unfulfilling job, a slave to myself. And obviously in a way we're all slaves to something or someone at some point in our lives. It is only when we realize what is holding us back, what we are slaves to, that we can then claim our freedom and get from where we are to where we're supposed to be.

So we can keep attending the Passover Seder and the Thanksgiving Feast, but let's not forget these themes of freedom and being free. Let's take these opportunities to be introspective and enlightening. We may be retelling the same story, but our lives have changed, altered, grown since the last time we were together. Rather than just going through the motions, I encourage us all to see these holidays as more than a chance to engage in familial drama before simply returning to our regular day-in, day-out. By continuing to give meaning to these experiences, we will continue to grow and learn, and isn't that the most freeing thing of all?

One of my issues with Halacha

It started with all the issues about women praying at the wall in Israel. Regardless of my own personal opinions I think that many of the arguments against it has come from tradition. But my main issue is that the laws of Judaism were not written to be understood in our modern language.

So when it comes down to it, rabbinic tradition came from who interpreted it and they did so within the context of the world they lived in. Whether they were saints or ordinary men, they defined what they believed to be what was written to mean the only things they could understand and foresee, they were not fortune tellers, just teachers.

That being said, the world that contextualized how they defined Halacha no longer exists. And that does not mean that the Halacha is not longer applicable, it simply means that it needs to be adapted as we humans have adapted over time.

A Rant about Homosexuality

Apparently, a few weeks ago, an anchor on the news came out as a lesbian and announced that she and her partner were expecting. I was exposed to a conversation recently where two people were discussing this woman and the news. Their obviously shock as they were talking about how they didn't know that she was gay was unsettling but the worst was when one of them said, "from the way she reported the news, I always thought she was straight".

Here's the thing. The reason you assumed anything about her sexuality at all is because heterosexuality is the norm and it never crossed your mind that she would be anything else. In fact, the truth is that you never thought anything about her sexuality until you found out that it wasn't what the majority of people are. Consider now just how often you assume things about people. If I said, "He walked down the street", you probably imagined a heterosexual white man of average height. It is only if I give you a detail of who "he" is that you imagine something else based solely on the stereotypes you typically associate with that label. Her sexuality only became significant when you found out she wasn't like you.

Since you had never given her sexuality a thought until you found out it wasn't the norm, society dictates that for those in the public eye, this can be conceived of as "news". So when that basketball player publicly came out, everyone was buzzing about it. Talking about how powerful it is and the strength that it takes to accomplish such a thing. It changed nothing about his playing abilities, it is irrelevant in anyone life but his, and yet because we are hyper-aware of sexuality right now, we need to talk about it. If someone were to announce their religion, it's also still considered significant although not to the point of sexuality.

Race is something we can see (or so we are led to believe), correct? So by this standard, because we can compartmentalize people without even speaking with them, this is why announcing your "racial background" is not news worthy. And yet, because there are "qualities" that society has fixated on, announcing something that is not of the norm and that can't be observed visually, is held to a different standard. My confusion is why in the 21st century, we are still obsessing over the need to assign labels to people. These labels are constructed by society to mean something, they are not inherently known or understood, they need to be explained and taught. Until we stop placing so much emphasis on what a person is versus who are person is, we will continue to hold public figures coming out to a standard that continues showcases the differentness of those identities. And until we stop this focus on differentness, it is forgotten how similar we all are. Until it doesn't matter where you come from, what you believe, or who you love, these labels will define our lives. And how sad it that?

When I was the most observant

As a kid, we spent both Passover seders at my grandparents. My cousins were always there for one of the seders because they spent the other one with the other side of their family. When we got older, we started going to my aunt's for the first seder and then the second one would be spent with any combination of friends and family. At the same time, I was teaching myself a lot about Judaism and had begun to observe traditions that I hadn't grown up with. So while my extended family has future rabbis, in my immediate family I would probably be considered the most observant.

This year, our second seder was held at our house and for the first time, my parents had invited friends who are Jewish AND friends who are not. Being at this seder, especially after my mom asked me to pull some readings to add to the seder as a way of making sure everyone was learning something new, I realized a few things about myself in relation to my religion.

There is still so much that I don't know. And this is both an exciting blessing/adventure and also a daunting undertaking. I love learning and philosophizing and puzzles. This explains a lot to me because it is what drew me to experimenting with Judaism. I am practical and believe in only what can be proved. This has proven to be a dilemma for me due to how conflicting and outdated religious traditions can be. Yet I enjoy tradition and community; I find that I thrive best in that kind of environment. How/when does something become a tradition? How/when do those traditions change and when /why is it ok for some traditions to change and others stay the same? What motivates people to follow traditions and are there better reasons than others? And though I enjoy tradition (or more so, what tradition creates - a community), I'm troubled that tradition doesn't stem from what is written in the Torah, it comes from the interpretation of the rabbis. And who is to say that there aren't other possible ways of interpreting what is written? When it comes down to it, if there is a higher power (again, an issue I have because I over-intellectualize and need proof to believe in something) would it really matter if I didn't follow some of the more cultural traditions? Does it really matter if I eat a cheeseburger (though I haven't had one in almost 7 years) or use my cell phone on Saturday (which I still do without a second thought)? Wouldn't it be more important that I live my life in a morally and ethically sound way?

While both the Jews and goyim (non-Jews) all learned from what I shared at the seder, without sounding pretentious, I think that I was the one who learned the most.