Semantics

I was always that person who corrected people on their grammar or word choice. It's not something I'm necessarily proud of, it was a compulsion. Half the time, I didn't even realize I was doing it until I started listening to myself more, and by that point it was too late and I'd committed to being "that person" again. If you don't believe me, here's an anecdote: I told my ex-boyfriend - while he was trying to break up with me, no less - that irregardless wasn't a word after he said it as we argued. That definitely couldn't have helped the situation but I promise you, he'll probably never forget that the word is "regardless".

Although most people would say that it's just semantics, from my experiences I've come to the conclusion that semantics are more meaningful than people realize. How many times have we all been misunderstood because we fumbled with semantics while communicating or used a word that actually wasn't the right word for what we were trying to say? It probably comes across as appropriate and perhaps a bit ironic that I was a media and communication major during my undergraduate career, but I chose it for many reasons none of which had to do with how I can be technical about communicating. It is mostly makes sense in hindsight. But one of many reasons why I am particular about semantics is because of the power of words. I don't think humans are so much better than other living creatures but I have an appreciation for what we have been given, namely the ability to communicate with words. An ability that creates such a plethora of emotions that I don't believe there are even words to describe everything that a person can feel.

During college, a friend of mine was going through something and she kept using the word "should". I turned to her and said: "There's a reason why "should" doesn't have an equivalent in most languages; why it's in the past tense. Should is a world of regret. Figure out what you want to do and do it." Now I realize that's not completely accurate, but it stemmed from something my high school french teacher had said, that there was no proper translation for the word "should", and it stuck with me. Although I didn't think much of her comment at the time, it inspired what I told my friend a few years later when we were in college.

"Should" is a funny word. It it most commonly read as "ought to" or "must". It doesn't follow standard grammatical rules. Officially I think the word "shall" is the present tense of the word, but personally I don't think that quite works. Shall is just a present tense verb which can result in action or non-action. My issue with "should" is that there is an implication in the use of the word depending on what action or non-action occurred. If I "should" have done something and didn't, that implies failure on my part. While I could have chosen not to act or I could have tried something different, it carried an implication of being incorrect because I didn't do what I "should" have. I have found that it can be a truly hurtful word due to this connotation of implied negativity. To not do what you "should", is to be wrong. Granted, there are many other words that carry an expectation of acting on something, however I've found that "should" is most often used in a "I should've done this" or "I should've said that" way (Side note: "should of" is not a thing, please for the love of all things holy, stop it). And this is problematic to me because our world isn't black and white, therefore there is no one right thing that "should" be. So when people say that something or someone "should"/"shouldn't", I reject that view. We need to keep moving forward and do what we can with what we have or we will find that we're stuck in the same place.

This parallels with a phrase that my college friends and I have stopped using in the last few years. "It is what it is." I can't say for sure whether I despise this phrase or "should" more, but I think they are both problematic for similar reasons. They take what currently is and negate its significance. If you "should" or "should have" done something, then to do otherwise is not right. If you say "it is what it is" you are accepting something that you are unsatisfied with, you empower that which is not right by allowing it to be. Back in September, I heard a sermon about why we need to stop saying "it is what it is" by replacing it with "it can become what it ought to be". This is something that I can appreciate because it requires both an acceptance of what is while making a conscientious decision to act.

The question I'm left with is how do you take action when your hands are tied and yet you're unwilling to accept that "it is what it is"? I've watched my friends struggle with so many experiences that were completely outside of their ability to enact change (multiple people with visa issues jump to mind here), so if your hands are tied, what can you do? Whatever the opportunity may be, the worst thing we could possibly do is become complacent and say that "it is what it is" or that we "should" or "shouldn't" have done or felt something different. This kind of thinking is so prevalent among our age group and it's one of the many reasons why we've been dubbed lazy and unmotivated. While things may not go the way we expected or hoped, that is generally becoming more of a life trend. Now that we're past the part of our lives that come with a somewhat organized map with a course of action dependent upon our past actions, the "real world" has opened its doors and the openness terrifies us. There are almost too many options that we freeze up and go for the safe option or the easy choice. But that kind of thinking won't get us to where we want to go and neither will "should".

So I return to the end of the phrase I told my friend in college, "Figure out what you want to do and do it." That's not to say it'll be easy. But if we "should" through life, we won't truly be living in the present, we'll continue to experience regret as we keep living in a theoretically parallel universe. It doesn't have to be what it is. It is never too late to change. And no one is going to do it for us, nothing is going to be handed to us. We have to choose to act. Even if we don't end up quite where we expected initially, as long as we look ahead to the destination we desire, in time we will get to where we're supposed to be.

Theme: Freedom and Being Free

We are currently in the midst of Pesach, or Passover, a holiday that has become the 8 day (or for some people only 7 or even 2 day) Thanksgiving equivalent for Jews. There are certainly parallels between these two occasions - families coming together at a huge dinner table where we succumb to eating hefty amounts of culturally significant food. But there's another similarity that - in our increasingly secular world - it seems many are forgetting or worse, bypassing as an opportunity to have a conversation. At the root of both holidays is a word that is highly complex and often used yet not appreciated or considered by those who believe they have it already: Freedom.

It seems to be generally accepted that people have the ability to choose, that free will is a given. I could argue both sides to whether or not we have free will but that's not the point of what I'm trying to say so let's approach this under the guise of free will and choice existing. With this in mind, I ask what kinds of Freedom with a capital F we have. For Americans (which is what I am and therefore the lens I use here), there are five freedoms that we're "guaranteed" under the constitution. Can you name them all? In case you don't, they're freedom of assembly, petition, press, religion, and speech. The thing is, do we really have all of those things? I have read so many stories recently where people are denied these supposed "basic" freedoms, and this is of course not the first time in the history of humanity that freedom has been an issue. We are currently waiting for the decisions on DOMA and Prop 8 some time before the end of June, legislation that has denied many freedoms that their neighbors have.

On a smaller scale, there are other kinds of freedom that I've been considering but they're not the kind of freedom that people generally think about. I think that freedom is more of that overarching, legislatively influenced, societally accepted/expected kind of free, but there's another kind of freedom that we take for ourselves. Because those freedoms I was talking about, those don't give people as much choice. Sometimes our hands are tied and we are unable to just make a choice. We need to act and take that freedom back for ourselves. But I'm referring to when we do have the choice, the option to be free. We can choose to be free rather than slaves. When I finally ended a toxic relationship, I chose to be free of my ex and free of commitment. When I decided that the job I was in was only holding me back and making me miserable, I left it. I realized that I'd become a slave to my relationship, a slave to an unfulfilling job, a slave to myself. And obviously in a way we're all slaves to something or someone at some point in our lives. It is only when we realize what is holding us back, what we are slaves to, that we can then claim our freedom and get from where we are to where we're supposed to be.

So we can keep attending the Passover Seder and the Thanksgiving Feast, but let's not forget these themes of freedom and being free. Let's take these opportunities to be introspective and enlightening. We may be retelling the same story, but our lives have changed, altered, grown since the last time we were together. Rather than just going through the motions, I encourage us all to see these holidays as more than a chance to engage in familial drama before simply returning to our regular day-in, day-out. By continuing to give meaning to these experiences, we will continue to grow and learn, and isn't that the most freeing thing of all?

One of my issues with Halacha

It started with all the issues about women praying at the wall in Israel. Regardless of my own personal opinions I think that many of the arguments against it has come from tradition. But my main issue is that the laws of Judaism were not written to be understood in our modern language.

So when it comes down to it, rabbinic tradition came from who interpreted it and they did so within the context of the world they lived in. Whether they were saints or ordinary men, they defined what they believed to be what was written to mean the only things they could understand and foresee, they were not fortune tellers, just teachers.

That being said, the world that contextualized how they defined Halacha no longer exists. And that does not mean that the Halacha is not longer applicable, it simply means that it needs to be adapted as we humans have adapted over time.

A Rant about Homosexuality

Apparently, a few weeks ago, an anchor on the news came out as a lesbian and announced that she and her partner were expecting. I was exposed to a conversation recently where two people were discussing this woman and the news. Their obviously shock as they were talking about how they didn't know that she was gay was unsettling but the worst was when one of them said, "from the way she reported the news, I always thought she was straight".

Here's the thing. The reason you assumed anything about her sexuality at all is because heterosexuality is the norm and it never crossed your mind that she would be anything else. In fact, the truth is that you never thought anything about her sexuality until you found out that it wasn't what the majority of people are. Consider now just how often you assume things about people. If I said, "He walked down the street", you probably imagined a heterosexual white man of average height. It is only if I give you a detail of who "he" is that you imagine something else based solely on the stereotypes you typically associate with that label. Her sexuality only became significant when you found out she wasn't like you.

Since you had never given her sexuality a thought until you found out it wasn't the norm, society dictates that for those in the public eye, this can be conceived of as "news". So when that basketball player publicly came out, everyone was buzzing about it. Talking about how powerful it is and the strength that it takes to accomplish such a thing. It changed nothing about his playing abilities, it is irrelevant in anyone life but his, and yet because we are hyper-aware of sexuality right now, we need to talk about it. If someone were to announce their religion, it's also still considered significant although not to the point of sexuality.

Race is something we can see (or so we are led to believe), correct? So by this standard, because we can compartmentalize people without even speaking with them, this is why announcing your "racial background" is not news worthy. And yet, because there are "qualities" that society has fixated on, announcing something that is not of the norm and that can't be observed visually, is held to a different standard. My confusion is why in the 21st century, we are still obsessing over the need to assign labels to people. These labels are constructed by society to mean something, they are not inherently known or understood, they need to be explained and taught. Until we stop placing so much emphasis on what a person is versus who are person is, we will continue to hold public figures coming out to a standard that continues showcases the differentness of those identities. And until we stop this focus on differentness, it is forgotten how similar we all are. Until it doesn't matter where you come from, what you believe, or who you love, these labels will define our lives. And how sad it that?

When I was the most observant

As a kid, we spent both Passover seders at my grandparents. My cousins were always there for one of the seders because they spent the other one with the other side of their family. When we got older, we started going to my aunt's for the first seder and then the second one would be spent with any combination of friends and family. At the same time, I was teaching myself a lot about Judaism and had begun to observe traditions that I hadn't grown up with. So while my extended family has future rabbis, in my immediate family I would probably be considered the most observant.

This year, our second seder was held at our house and for the first time, my parents had invited friends who are Jewish AND friends who are not. Being at this seder, especially after my mom asked me to pull some readings to add to the seder as a way of making sure everyone was learning something new, I realized a few things about myself in relation to my religion.

There is still so much that I don't know. And this is both an exciting blessing/adventure and also a daunting undertaking. I love learning and philosophizing and puzzles. This explains a lot to me because it is what drew me to experimenting with Judaism. I am practical and believe in only what can be proved. This has proven to be a dilemma for me due to how conflicting and outdated religious traditions can be. Yet I enjoy tradition and community; I find that I thrive best in that kind of environment. How/when does something become a tradition? How/when do those traditions change and when /why is it ok for some traditions to change and others stay the same? What motivates people to follow traditions and are there better reasons than others? And though I enjoy tradition (or more so, what tradition creates - a community), I'm troubled that tradition doesn't stem from what is written in the Torah, it comes from the interpretation of the rabbis. And who is to say that there aren't other possible ways of interpreting what is written? When it comes down to it, if there is a higher power (again, an issue I have because I over-intellectualize and need proof to believe in something) would it really matter if I didn't follow some of the more cultural traditions? Does it really matter if I eat a cheeseburger (though I haven't had one in almost 7 years) or use my cell phone on Saturday (which I still do without a second thought)? Wouldn't it be more important that I live my life in a morally and ethically sound way?

While both the Jews and goyim (non-Jews) all learned from what I shared at the seder, without sounding pretentious, I think that I was the one who learned the most.

Cycles

Every time I have a conversation with a few select friends, all connected to me via different aspects of my life because none of them overlap, I've noticed a few of the same topics cycle through. While I don't think we intentionally bring these things up, they make their way into discussions that a majority of the world would likely think we were crazy for considering. And it makes me wonder about the people I'm friends with compared to the small group of people I have these absurd one-on-one conversations with. It's difficult to put into words how we get onto these topics and how easily it just seems to flow with those select people but I'm curious what other people think because I'm so limited in the scope of who I've conversed with in this way.

Time
Does time only progress in a straight-foward, linear way or is there something more to time that we are incapable of understanding? Just like historically we've created deities to try to compartmentalize what we as humans are able to experience, have we done the same with time? What is time were experienced in the same way that a tree grows. All at once and then branching off into all the potential choices that we make? But what if time is cyclical, does that mean we have the ability to make choices at all? We are all confined by time on this planet, but if we only see what is directly in front of us and refuse to see into the past and the future, considering how they both shape the now, we're just hurting everyone.

Fear
This might be the only emotion that can be as equally freeing as it can be paralyzing. Generally it is only viewed as preventative, it stops you from doing things that could bring harm to you or others. It is not a bad emotion, it is necessary and has contributed to the survival of humankind. Yet it is also an emotion and by that nature, it does not always come from rational thought but is reactionary. This is when fear is crippling and holds us back from real progress. It is only upon acknowledging the fear, having awareness for how it is stopping us, and then purposefully overcoming it or doing something in spite of it, that fear can be freeing and beautiful. Yet we often accept this emotion and allow it to be debilitating rather than confronting it. To what extent is fear empowering and destroying us?

That's all I've got for now. Thoughts?

Being Happy

I think we complicate being happy. There is a certain simplicity in choosing to be happy and yet it seems that we frequently allow ourselves to choose other options. Happiness is a goal that we set for ourselves but don't allow ourselves to realistically obtain. It's something to strive for, to work toward, to try to be. And when we aren't, we justify it as a temporary state of being that will eventually turn into happiness.

I believe that we all do want to be happy. But want in and of itself is desire, need, wishing, hoping. It isn't fulfillment. Because there is always more to want, more to get. Our satisfaction is brief before we find something else to want. Something else to need. Every day is chock full of actions we take toward reaching that ultimate goal of being happy. Whether in our romantic lives, our jobs, our friendships, our academics, our families, we constantly work on improving these things because that will result in being happy. So when we experience it, we are only encouraged to work on these things more in order to continue feeling the emotion of happiness.

But there's a difference between happiness and simply being happy. While I do not constantly experience happiness, I still choose to be happy. Regardless of what may occur on a daily basis, cultivating the mentality of being happy takes an enormous pressure off. For then we can act without fear because even when sadness strikes, we are happy or rather, content. Though a word that seems to often carry the implication that we are no longer trying as it can be perceived as passive, used in this context, it becomes alive. To be alive, we must be content, we must be happy. We must choose these things because to do otherwise results in spending each day only striving for something. There will always be more to want and more to get. But by actively choosing to be happy, we are able to reach a sense of inner tranquility and peace. A state of mind that in turn allows us to simply be happy.